Having my baby meant the world to me. After being told I would essentially never have one of my own, baby girl was a surprise. So when she finally arrived, I was over the moon with joy.
And I was tired. And I had stitches in places stitches don't belong. And I had problems breast feeding. And I was trying to be a new mom during Covid when hubby worked on the ICU on the covid unit. Did I say I was tired?
My beautiful baby was born with a heart condition. I think regardless, being told your baby's heart isn't 100% is scary. But my family has a horrible track record with heart problems. As in, half my dad's side of the family have died because of a genetic heart problem. My dad has had multiple heart surgeries. I've been checked multiple times for the heart problem. So being told baby girl's heart wasn't perfect scared the daylights out of me.
Over the course of a few weeks, I could feel myself getting wound tighter and tighter. I didn't feel like I checked the boxes for postpartum depression. I loved baby girl. I wanted to spend every minute with her. I wanted no body else to take her out of my eyesight. I felt like an over-protective mama bear, to the point where I would have panic attacks in the middle of the night because I couldn't hear her breathing. I would run through what-if scenarios in my head over and over. What if the house caught on fire? How would I get her out? I needed a prepacked bag of things incase we needed to evacuate for a hurricane in case one suddenly popped up. If I had to drive with her, I'd have to pull over every 5 minutes to make sure she was still breathing. I had calculated every stop along the way to make sure I could still make doctors appointments on time and would have to give myself an extra 30 minutes to get anywhere. I remember one point calling my hubby at work sobbing because I imagined myself shaking her or accidently breaking a bone. I hadn't. But I was scared I might get so tired I would. And I had a hysterical breakdown because of the fear I might hurt her.
I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.
Huh?? That's a thing????
Postpartum anxiety is in the family of postpartum depression but doesn't get the same amount of press. So here is my press release on the topic!!
Symptoms of postpartum anxiety include:
near-constant worry
feelings of dread that something will happen
sleep disruption
racing thoughts
fatigue
heart palpitations
hyperventilation
sweating
shakiness
What I want mommas to know is that it is okay! And, honestly, it is pretty common. Being a new mom is scary. And I really don't think people give enough attention to how much change really happens in those first few months. Hubby was awesome about supporting me getting help. Because of Covid, I was able to do tele-health visits with a psychologist who specialized in postpartum depression and anxiety. And it really, really helped!!!
She helped my figure out that I am a very analytical person, and used that to help me find the best strategies to tackle anxiety attacks. When I went back to work, I struggled a lot. My psychologist helped me tackle that together as well.
Baby girl is turning 2 in a few days and I can honestly say the anxiety is still there, but its manageable. I can function most days. Even hubby has said my anxiety has stayed "different" than it was before baby girl. I get over-stimulated very easily. Tons of noise and crying or screaming make me shut down. I had a panic attack driving the other day. But those days are fewer and I've learned how to control them better.
So mama, it is going to be okay! Feel free to share your story with others too and help other mamas know they are loved! Mama's to the rescue!
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